Who Knows

(“I hated all my toil at which I had labored under the sun, seeing that I must leave it to the man coming after me; and who knows whether he will be a wise or a foolish man.” Ecclesiastes 2:18,19a)

Don’t get me wrong, my children are a huge source of joy for me. But, like it or not, finding all of our joy, or our chief joy in our children is a roll of the dice. We all know cases of families who did their honest best and ended up with children who caused them pain and grief.

Not only that, but if our chief happiness is in our children, we will ride the rollercoaster of not only our own emotions, but theirs. We will be so tied to their success and failure that our own life is pulled along with them.

Solomon realizes that even if he works to leave his children a huge inheritance, he has no guarantee that they will use it wisely; thus the source of his discontent. So, what is the answer? Certainly, the answer is not to cut our kids off from their inheritance. There is no joy in disinheriting our loved ones.

But, the person whose entire well-being is tied up with his children’s will be a slave, not only to how well his children are doing, but how they “might” be doing. My own children, all grown now (well, my daughter is only two weeks into legal adulthood), live 3000, 1500, and soon, 300 miles away, respectively. I cannot always be privy to how they are doing. And, Lord knows, my mind plays out every possible negative scenario.

“Are my son and his wife doing well? Do they argue as much as his mom and me? Did my grouchiness rub off on him? Does he treat her better than I treated his mom? And, my single son; why is he still single, after all? I mean, I’m sure he wants to be married, everybody wants to be married. So, if he isn’t married, he must be sad. Oh, no, why is my son so sad? What can I do to make him less sad? Is he sad because he grew up with a dad who was sad and discontent most of the time? Oh, no, my son is discontent!”

And let’s not even go to my mental anguish once my daughter leaves home! Every dad, even with the healthiest relationship, knows exactly what I’m talking about! There is little need to spell out the worries over our baby-girl now thrust into the world where there is evil on every corner just trying to harm her. My goodness, it was our job for 18 years to keep her safe, and we did it pretty well. But now there is little we can do to protect her!

Solomon had 1000 wives and concubines. Scripture doesn’t tell us, but a little easy math suggests he had quite a few kids! He always had great wealth and a great kingdom. Solomon certainly had a great deal to worry about when it came to leaving the future to his children once he died. A whole nation was at stake. How wise would his children be in governing what he had worked so hard to build?

Solomon concluded that this kind of life, that bases our worth on what we leave our children, is “profitless and chasing after wind.” Not that we shouldn’t provide for our kids. But, our entire sense of well-being cannot be tied to that. We have no way of prediction or controlling how our children use what we leave behind for them.

Yet, so many people do attempt to live through their children. And doing so, they never discover their own life. My daughter will be gone from our home in only six weeks. She is the last of our children. For 33 years we have been about the business of preparing our children for the world. Though I may not have always lived it as well as I would have liked, raising my kids is the most important job I have ever had.

But now it is done. They are “out there” beyond my immediate reach. And it would be wrong to try to affect their lives as adults the way I did while they were in my home. But, because I have invested so much in them, I am now feeling a bit empty. Because raising them was the most important task I have ever undertaken, I feel a bit “profitless” now. It would be a mistake to react to that by jumping back into their lives like a father of kids at home.

Solomon reaches the same conclusion. It is meaningless to put all my stock in my children. That is to say, my well-being must not be dependent upon my children’s well-being. I will, of course, be affected by their lives. I am their father, after all, and I will love them until the day I die. But to make my happiness dependent upon their day-to-day lives deprives me of meaning and them of independence.

I must, apart from my children, find life to have meaning. Perhaps questions like, “What did you enjoy before you had kids?” is a good question to ask.

Solomon eventually will discover that all of life is meaningless apart from a desire to please God. As for my children, my hope is that they will follow that same path, serving God wholeheartedly. And my heart would be broken if they did not.

But, there is a life I live that is independent of my children’s lives. Or, there should be. That life is filled with my relationship with Christ, apart from my children’s involvement. That life is full of gifts, hobbies, relationships and meaning that do not have to depend on my children’s well-being.

I think Solomon is discovering something quite healthy, especially for those who are entering the “empty nest” syndrome. Don’t put all your emotional eggs into your children’s basket! Love them, enjoy them, grieve for them when they struggle, rejoice with them when they succeed. But, for your own well-being, enjoy the life God has given you here on this earth; apart from the “wisdom” or “foolishness” of your children or anyone else you are close to.