Of Pain and Suffering

“For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him.” Philippians 1:29

Even though I have suffered with a chronic headache since November 2008, now over two and a half years, I feel like I am whining if I call my experience “suffering”. It seems especially complaining when I compare it to the suffering that early Christians when through; the kind of suffering Paul refers to when he tells the Philippians that they were granted “to suffer for Christ”.

But, I also know that, for each person, their own suffering is unique and carries its own pain, emotional pitfalls and missed opportunities. I wake each morning and have to force myself out of bed. At least once a week I don’t make it all the way to the shower, but end up in bed for a few more minutes, hoping to sleep away the morning pain. It may even take me two more attempts to finally force the toothbrush in my mouth, the razor to my face and turn on the water for the shower.

Coupled with the constant depression I have battled my entire adult life, and I feel completely unproductive nearly 90 percent of the time. The first church I pastored saw a man full of life. I would be up at 7:30, into the office before 8:30, reading, planning, studying and writing. I would spend the great part of the afternoon visiting, with a personal quota of four quality visits per day.

Now I prefer to sleep till 9. On my day off I rarely make it off the couch until noon. When I go in the office it is usually after 9 and reading is a chore. Between the headache, weariness caused by the pain, lack of sleep and the effect of my pain medication, the words blur on the page. Or perhaps they are sharp on the page and blur between my eyes and my brain. At any rate, I no longer enjoy reading near as much as I once did.

I acknowledge I am 20 years older than my first pastorate, and am quite willing to compromise with the changes that aging brings. But the constant pain is another fight altogether; a foe whom I have no idea how to fight.

I am diagnosed with New Daily Persistent Headache. The disease is only about 15 years old and the cause is still unknown. It is the most difficult headache to treat. There is no cure, and there are few pain medications effective in eliminating it. I am now on constant extended release morphine and have seen a marked change. But, what was once an average of 8 out of 10 on the pain scale is perhaps a 5 or a bit lower.

So, the pain does not knock me down every day anymore. But, it is always there, constantly gnawing at my mind, my emotions, and my body; like a heckler who simply will not back down. They may have moved the heckler from the front seat to the back of the balcony, but I can still hear him, and his taunts eventually flood me to the point of having nothing left inside with which to continue.

I could write a lot more about the pain; the guilt that comes from not producing the sort of work I should. The regrets that I cannot give my wife or daughter a husband or dad who is happy, energetic, and ready to go camping or walk around Seattle all day. Instead, they take their trips and I am happy to be home with quiet. Or, I go on our vacations, but stay in the room because I would hold them back, not knowing if I could even get through  half a day.

So, do the verses about “suffering for Christ” apply to people like me? I am not suffering because of my faith in Christ. No one put this headache on me as a way of persecuting me for being a Christian. Even if Satan was behind it, God doesn’t put up with His antics very long at all. Consider Job.

But is there something about suffering that is different for the believer? My personal belief is that I would have NDPH were I a Christian or not. Though Christ promises deliverance, He does not promise constant health in all times, in all situations, for all people. But I do believe that, whatever my lot, my experience has a purpose. That is the difference for a follower of Jesus.

We are not guaranteed an escape from pain, sorrow, depression or illness. God does, at times, grant supernatural healing to His children. And every single believer will be healed once we arrive at Home with Christ. But, for now, what do these sufferings mean?

I am not sure. Someone asked me a few weeks ago, “What is God doing in you because of these headaches?” My answer: “I have no idea.” I hate that answer. I should be able to say, “Well, I’m more empathetic now to people who have chronic pain.” And, that is true, I think. But I was plenty empathetic before I started having these headaches. (Side note, I should use the singular “headache” actually. It is a two and a half year headache rather than headaches I have been having for two and a half years.)

This last week has been very bad. I feel like a failure at my ministry. I so want to reach out to young adults, but is feels like that is not taking root. I have little energy to really seek people out in conversation. I would rather stay stuck in my office than go out and visit because my pain keeps me from feeling comfortable in conversation.

Yet, here I am, without any choices. Having “succeeded” in every other ministry I have had, I now am simply idling, biding my time. And it feels so wrong. I feel like I am taking what does not belong to me. I cannot give full time, yet it is a full time call.

All I can say is that I have had to totally depend on Jesus. I cannot say that I have “felt” Him closer, sweeter, consoling and comforting. I wish I could. I wish I could write honestly and say that, in all this daily pain, His presence has been even more genuine. But, I cannot.

I hang on by the hangnail of faith. I cry out to Him, and try to trust Him even when I cannot hear nor feel His response. I want to go home and sit. I want to cry on my couch and do nothing. Yet, I have a job, a call, a ministry. And no one, not my wife, my doctor, nor my constituents, know how to help me; though all would give everything they could give if they thought it would help.

I suppose today’s writing isn’t really a “devotion”, is it? All I know is that suffering must have some redeemable purpose. When Father God allows His children to endure pain or affliction, it cannot happen apart from His loving attention. In that, and that alone, I must rest.