Forced Me

Forced Me

(“So I thought, ‘The Philistines are going to attack me here in Gilgal, and I have not tried to win the Lord's favor.’ So I felt I had to offer a sacrifice.” 1 Samuel 13:12)

You have forced me to this.
My veins pop from my skin as I
arm-wrestle God for His favor.
My brow pulses after waiting so long.
Surely He knew my obeisance was uwaxed.
My anxiety drove me to this. I do not offer
a tariff or a tax…I am certain He knows my acts
and my heart are one.

And yet at every impulsive devotion I feel my
thoughts mocking the next in a number of deals
I thought I could strike
with the King who heals the stop-motion method
of my appeals.

Twenty words written; half are unbidden while the rest
grip the hardpack of my mind, refusing (unkindly) to
form cogent portraits of what I cannot see.

The ravens cackle twenty feet from my window,
the seals bark a quarter-mile away,
and I still wish there were better ways to play.

Three deer bounded across my lawn last night as my
dog, with fading sight, caught their movement like
beach balls wedged in the breeze. She barked as well,
and would have given chase if not for the knees that
addled with time.

You have forced me to this.
For all the tiny vibrations of joy I still feel
I must grapple to find my place, my home.
My temples ache. Surely, though I cannot shake
the ennui, You know I aspirate prayers like cracks.
My anxiety guided me here. I no more offer
a deal behind Your back…I am certain You know my acts
and my heart are dung. Buried and done.
Alive in the nothing and the whole I have become.