The Weight of a Grudge

“So Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing his father had given to his brother. Esau said privately, ‘The time of mourning for my father is near; then I will kill my brother Jacob!’” Genesis 27:41

“Carrying a grudge” is a fitting way to describe what happens when we are so offended that all we can think of is leveling the score. We pick up the offense in the morning as we rehearse the hurt along with our morning coffee. We carry on imaginary conversations with the offender as we drive to work, probably repeating the same arguments over and over again. We take the grudge into bed with us. After the weariness of carrying such weight around all day, we do not even lay it down to sleep. We allow its weight to press down upon our minds, keeping sleep at bay while the grudge grunts through our thoughts like an angry bull.

Jacob, Esau’s twin brother, had stolen the family blessing by disguising himself as the older twin and deceiving their nearly blind father. Esau was furious when he found out and begged his father to renege on the blessing to Jacob, but Isaac could not. He did give Esau a sort of half-blessing, telling him that he would serve his brother, but “when you grow restless, you will tear his yoke from your neck.” (Genesis 27:40)

None of us would blame Esau for being angry, nor expect him to go merrily on his way without feeling cheated. But he turns the hurt feelings into a dangerous vow, pledging to kill his brother after their father is dead and the proper time of mourning has been observed. It is quite ironic that many people caught up in emotional “vows” will obsessively keep less important rules while vowing to violate a higher one.

Here, Esau won’t kill his brother during the mourning period for their father. That would just be bad manners. It is like a burglar who never breaks into houses on Sunday because that is the Lord’s Day. (No, I’ve never met such a person, but I hope it serves to illustrate the contrast.) When we are overcome by a vow we have taken under deep emotions, we often are so consumed that we see nothing else. Yet we may also become stricter about other religious or social mores, perhaps as a way to offset the harmful vow we have taken.

This was probably the last straw for Esau. Jacob’s name means “Supplanter”, referring to his nature of deceit to obtain his own desires. He eventually unseated or “supplanted” the role Esau should have had as the elder brother. Jacob had acted out his name over and over again. Esau was not completely innocent himself, but that hardly matters when we feel our entire destiny has been stolen. Esau responds with hatred and vows to kill his brother soon.

Imagine bearing the hatred of Esau, day in and day out fuming over the injustice and deceit. He creates a prison for himself by his own hatred and vow to get personal vengeance. His eyes are ever watchful for the next opportunity to equal the playing field. His mind is always churning, perhaps playing out scenarios in which he takes his brother’s life. One time he sneaks up behind him with a knife or another he runs him through with a spear. He literally “carries” the weight of his own response to life’s inequity.

We forget that, even in the worst moments of life, we do get to choose. We cannot always control the reflex-like emotions that catapult us into an adrenalin rush of anger. But, once the initial emotional and physical energy has faded, we have the opportunity to choose from a myriad of responses. Esau’s emotion was hatred; his response was a plan to murder his brother. Your plan is what will guide you.

What “vows” have you carried like extra baggage through your life? What “get even” situations nag you? Esau decided to take vengeance in his own hands. The problem with that is no one can ever equal the score. How many has Esau offended? Who is going to settle those scores?

Instead of bearing grudges, why not look to Him who “bore” every sin in His body on the cross? Quite rightly Scripture says, “’Vengeance is mine’ says the Lord.’” We have all been offended. We have all encountered fundamental injustices. And, the longer you live, the more you will probably endure.

The question always becomes a matter of whom or what is going to rule our lives. Will I let events of hurt control my reactions to life, or can I continue to learn to unload them at Jesus’ feet? It takes time to relearn our responses, but it is time well-worth the spending. Let Jesus, in His excellence, love and wisdom, heal the offenses. Let him take the ugly backpack of grudges off your back and learn to be free.

How did things turn out for Esau and Jacob? After both have married, had families and built up their own personal fortunes, they meet after not seeing each since the day of Esau’s vow and Jacob’s stolen blessing. Jacob, aware of Esau’s vow over all those years, approaches him warily. “But Esau ran to meet him, embraced him, hugged his neck, and kissed him. Then they both wept.” (Genesis 33:4)

Somewhere along the way Esau had allowed God to heal his anger. If it was possible for Esau, it is possible for any of us. Let us do the hard work of letting Jesus take the offenses that keep us from free and joyful living.