I Like Birthdays

“And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” Ezekiel 36:27

I like birthdays. On my next one I’ll turn 58. I’ve thought more and more about then end of my life and what I have or have not accomplished. But I like birthdays. It is my day. I get my favorite meal or dessert, my kids call me and friends who have known me forever tease me gently. When we were all in our 30s the teasing was a bit harsher, but we know now the tender feelings that accompany the downhill side of our lives.

But, I like birthdays. I loved 13. I imagine every child cannot wait until that most magic moment called “teenager”. I shed the “Monkees” as my favorite band and adopted “The Doors” instead. I tuned out AM and made sure I got a radio with FM for those deep cut album stations. I bought my own jeans with money earned from a paper route. I had my first girlfriend (plus a few others who I had major crushes on.) I loved 13, and in just over one more year I would enter the strange and exciting land called High School.

At 16 I couldn’t wait to get my driver’s license and actually pick up and drive a girl on a date. Eighteen hit and I was a legal adult, voting in my first presidential election the very next year. Though I did little drinking, my 21^st birthday at least allowed me to lawfully imbibe if I wanted. At 22 I was married, 25 was halfway to thirty, and 30 was the biggest birthday party ever planned for a husband by his wife.

Each of those passing years I looked ahead to bigger things. Our last child wasn’t born until the second half of my 30s. My ideal future was filled with pastoring a church somewhere in a well-populated area and watching it grow. Though I didn’t care about fame much, I had wonderful experiences of seeing every Youth Group I headed grow from just a handful to a significant percentage of our church’s attendance. I had the same high hopes of every person in their early thirties.

Now, at almost 58, I still like birthdays, but for a few differences. They are far more sober. No, my younger birthdays weren’t drunken Bacchanals; my current ones are more thoughtful. In terms of visible success, the graph of my life does not point as sharply upward as I had dreamed. I am a long shot from a failure, but most churches I have pastored average less attendance than my largest Youth Group when I was young.

Along with age has come a reflectiveness that seems to turn the tables of my thought life upside down and sideways. My aspirations are still as high, but the opportunities are far less plentiful. As a young Christian I had lots of room for growth. But that is true even for those who don’t follow Christ. When we are young, not only does our whole life wait for us, but so does the man or woman we are being formed to be.

I dreamed of being a man who spent an hour a day in prayer, and struggle to pray one hour a week. I did not pursue higher education because I honestly thought God was calling me to dive directly into ministry. And now, at my age, with only two years of formal higher education, I have few career choices.

In so many ways all these events come to a laser-hot point somewhere within my soul that wonders: “What does it mean, Mark Phillips, to have the Spirit of God actually within your life?” There are few mountains to climb, plus physically and emotionally I am well spent. I wonder, does He inspire my writing, or am I just putting the thoughts, doubts and occasional words of faith on paper that anyone with my life experience would share?

These are the thoughts of a 57-year-old who likes birthdays but, on a Friday afternoon as pastor of a small rural church, wonders what God wants him to do the next two and a half hours of his afternoon. The 33-year-old who answered the call to his first church in North Dakota didn’t have trouble answering that question at all. There were always one or two more people to go see before going home for the evening.

What is the difference the Spirit is making in me now? I am a different man than that young guy who spent nearly half his days door to door. I am more socially awkward and anxious thoughts arise when thinking about making more than a visit or two. What is the Spirit doing in my life now?

I think I can safely say I love Christ more than at any point in my life, but also am unsure about some things as well. Then I enjoyed the noise of high energy worship, now I prefer solitary quiet. Perhaps that is what faith comes to as we age. If we are honest, we may be less certain about things we thought were cut and dry as new and young believers. But, if our love for Christ deepens, even amid those uncertainties, maybe that is evidence of the Spirit’s movement. There is no question of desire to please Him, I’m just less ready to put everything in piles of “yes” and “now”, “us” and “them”, “ok” and “not ok” if they are not clearly identified that way by Him.

So, Spirit of God, who transcends my uncertainties and softens my anxieties, guide me,  move me and help me to be careful to follow all of my Beloved’s decrees.