Please Take the Lead

Please Take the Lead

(“We must keep our eyes on Jesus…” Hebrews 12:2)

Please take the lead,
my steps have lost the time
and I cannot find the cadence again.

These days (no, most of my days, most of my

Years)

My first moment is pathetic,
then becomes septic,
while the tears take time to build
and shed later in the day.

Please take the lead,
I do not follow well anymore.
I am silent the whole day through,
not out of some imposed vow,
but because there is no one to talk to.
I cannot find the radiance again.

I’ve been told you inhabit everything,
so you would think I could see you
no matter which way I look.
That’s a fine thought. But my heart
is still a stone that crumbles too easily.

I am weak, everything about me deteriorates
in my depression and mistakes.
But I used to think I was good. Now I am
no longer sure.

I talk a good game,
but honestly, again and again,
I stub my toe, or worse,
run head-on into an unsuspecting passerby.
One more person I should explain myself to.

I’ll tell you the truth now, I did not want to write today.
It is dark at noon. The air is heavy as untuned pianos
masquerading as sandy beaches. And I know that
image makes no sense,
but neither does this burden I can never lay down,
that haunts me forever,
that drowns every sound of a simple chorus of joy
away.

I would curl around anyone who didn’t care
about my shame. I would talk endlessly.
(no I would not. my talk has been my undoing)

Please take the lead, I cannot see beyond this fog.
I’m tired. I’m alone. I’m foolish. I’m a failure.
I make a mess of the best summer days and
cry on all the rest.

These fears, these anxieties, are only paper-thin.
And just beyond them is where beauty begins.

(yes, I wrote that earlier today. but I am still stitched,
and taped, and stapled, and wrapped in butcher paper
someone left on the shelf.)