Seeking

“I have sought You with all my heart; don’t let me wander from Your commands.” Psalm 119:10

“Seeking God” is almost always connected to some kind of reward in Scripture. Jesus promises that those who ask will have it given to them, those who seek find, and those who knock will find the door open. The idea of seeking God is high priority as the prophet Isaiah encourages us to “Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near.”

The little kid inside envisions a game of hide and seek. Unfortunately, the object of that game is to be so well hidden that you are never found. I think we carry that thinking into our idea of seeking God. We envision Him hiding somewhere. We look under every spiritual bush we can find, hoping to discover Him.

I wanted to “seek” God and have all the experiences I was reading about as a young follower of Christ. Biographies of past believers as well as current writers described adventures with God that made my mouth water. The exact amount of money showed up for one ministry. Angels appeared to another. Some reported visions, while others died and gave full descriptions of heaven. For all of that, I really wasn’t seeking anyone else’s experience. But I did want to experience God.

One New Year’s Eve, just a couple of years after coming to Christ, I attended a Watch Night service at the Assembly of God church I was attending. I asked the pastor if I could stay in the church overnight. I wanted to fast and pray in the New Year. It was my first attempt at serious fasting, and never had I prayed longer than an hour without other people around. But, I had read the books, I knew the experiences of the people in the Bible, and I was confident God would meet me.

At midnight the congregation left and I was alone. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I truly assumed praying through the night was something God approved of. And, if He approved, certainly He would help me see it through. Fortunately, the church had a small library. When I got bored with praying (about every 15 minutes or so) I would pick up one of the books and punctuate my prayer with reading. Sleep was out of the question. The pews were not padded, and neither was any part of my skinny 19-year-old body.

My plan was to pray all night and stay at the church until noon on January 1. I was excited. I was serious about it. I wanted to experience God. I wanted His help with personal weaknesses. I wanted to feel closer to Him. I wanted to know He liked me. After all, Jesus said that if I was seeking, I would find.

About 6 am I found out I was hungry. At 7:30 am I called my fiancée and asked if she would pick me up; I was done. I was bored. I was hungry. She pulled up outside and I came out the door which would lock behind me. Fifteen minutes later I was eating a cream filled donut and drinking the best coffee I had ever tasted. I felt like a failure.

I have fasted a few times since; never longer than about five days. Those times have been meaningful. As I’ve matured I have come to think my New Years Eve spiritual escapade was significant as well. Good dads beam with pride at their little leaguer who plays third base and barely stops anything hit his way. His son is trying, and Dad is proud.

More recently, though, I’ve come to see seeking God a bit differently. Yes, I want a deeper experience. Yes, I need to discipline myself in order to keep my spiritual focus. But, after 40 years of experience when most “seeking” sessions were agonizingly painful in a number of ways, I’ve started to lighten up.

Every Sunday we have evening prayer. At 6 pm people are invited for drop-in prayer we call “Power House”. Sometimes I am alone, and sometimes two or three show up. It is still a great challenge for me to pray a full hour without interruption. I usually bring my Bible and a couple of other books I am reading. As in my first “all night” event, I punctuate my hour of prayer with reading and quiet thought.

But, last week I did something new. Quite often I will pick up my guitar or sit at the piano and just play. If I am depressed that day, the music therapy does wonders for my mood. It is one way that I can express myself to God without having to worry about words, who to pray for, who to pray for next, and how long.

Last Sunday night at 6 pm I sat at the piano, took up a couple of worship song books, and played. And I just played. I played the entire hour, plus a few minutes more. It did not feel tedious, it felt peaceful. I did not feel as if I was trying to nudge my way past closed doors, I felt I was already in the room with God. I had, in my own way, sought the Lord with all my heart. I was not trying to impress Him, nor gain His favor; I was simply playing for and to the One I love.

And, as with all love songs, it increased my desire to never wander from His commands.