Don't Hold Back

O Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me! My only hope is in your love and faithfulness. Psalm 40:11

Yes, there are times when it seems God has held back His mercy. Today is one of those days. Or, should I say, this season is one of those seasons. I have always been healthy, if not the most athletic; although up until about six years ago I played tennis or racquetball about four times per week. When helping move some furniture during that time, a well-muscled teen said, “Wow, Pastor, you’re stronger than you look.”

Not only have I always had good health, nearly every venture I have tried has succeeded. A youth group of eight grew to nearly 50 years ago in a church that averaged under 200 in morning worship. In the 1980s I took a group about 15 young people and saw the numbers swell into the 80s, many of them still serving God today. The first church I pastored grew from about 40 people to nearly 100 in a town of 1300 people.

Not only in ministry; twice I was in outside sales. Once with a printing and office supply firm and later with a computer company. At the first, I was salesman of the month three months in my first year and promoted to assistant sales manager shortly after being there a year. The computer company grew from $200,000 in gross sales to about $1.5 million by the time I left five years later. I was grateful to God, and always counted my success as his blessing.

So, here I am now where I can no longer brag about my health. The headaches that began around Thanksgiving of 2008 continue to this day. They are non-stop, 24/7 and severely limit my activity. I come to the office late and I cannot drive long distances due to the extreme pain. It muddies my thinking and puts my emotions on edge nearly every day. I do not make personal visits nearly as often, and most vacations I stay in the motel room or at our host home while the rest of the family goes exploring.

Probably related, but I do not feel very successful at this time either. The church we agreed to pastor over six years ago has seen little growth. The core people are wonderful, loving followers of Jesus, for which I am quite thankful. If not, they probably would have found a way to find a new able-bodied pastor by now. But, the “Midas Touch” is gone. It seems everything we try brings little response.

So, you can imagine I might feel as if God has held back His tender mercies from me. At a time when I could use some outward evidence that life is going well, I am struggling the hardest in what I consider the call on my life. Every action I take is filled with physical pain. I rarely accompany people to lunch after church because the pain is so significant; making sure that I do when there is any decrease in the pain at all.

It is easy to feel God has forgotten us when life is confusing. I am confronting to things I never have before: physical limitation and perceived failure in my chosen profession. I have faced personal failure before and worked through those issues, but never on the “professional” level. Everything from which I derive me “personhood” seems to have been removed. The rug of my confidence has been pulled out from under me.

I do not know exactly how David felt when he wrote those words, but I do know he went through many times of failure in his own life. He was pursued by the king who wrongly hated him and saw his eldest son rebel and drive him from the throne. Not to mention his adultery with Bathsheba and the cover-up that included at least second-degree murder. No, David didn’t measure up sometimes at all.

Somehow, despite his personal failings, he never forgot the source of his hope. When hiding in caves and on the run, he never threw away the confidence he had in the God he loved. Even as he left Jerusalem after the coup staged by his son, David still quieted his heart with thoughts of the Lord’s goodness.

I hope that sharing my own present sense of inadequacy will help the reader know that hard times don’t mean God has removed Himself from the scene. I hope to be healed, I know Jesus is the Great Physician. I believe God has great things for the church I currently pastor, and am still believing we can reach people with the Good News of Jesus and see more people attending, more lives transformed by Jesus Himself.

But, on the days when the tears will not cease; in those evening hours when no one hears the cries but Jesus Himself, I still call out, “O Lord, don’t hold back Your tender mercies from me!” And I remind myself that I am not defined by my physical abilities or personal success, but my hope “is in You love and faithfulness.”