Of Discipline and Family

“If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.” Hebrews 12:8

My daughter-in-law posted a photo on Facebook this week. The “pose” takes place in living rooms all over the country sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our son Michael is lifting their four-year-old daughter, Anika, up in the air as she strains forward to put the star atop their Christmas tree. It immediately evoked memories of lifting Michael when he was young; same situation, same position.

The photo was a near duplicate of another family member. The position of daddy and daughter, holding her with both hands around the waist and her little arms straining forward to reach the very top of the tree; a quick glance and I might think it was my hands lifting our daughter Sarah at the same age.

It is hard to express all the emotions this picture evoked. I thought about what it meant to pass on traditions from one family to the next. I thought about what Sarah saw, her big brother now a daddy, lifting his own daughter to plant the last ornament. There is an innate beauty in family, especially those moments that are captured within our minds and hardly ever forgotten. Along with the dad, daughter and tree is Mom behind the camera with a smile that communicates the joy of family.

The most difficult of all family moments are when a parent must exercise discipline. We take very few photos of those events. There are no entries titled “Groundings” in our photo album, or “Son being sent to his room.” But they are as important a dynamic of real family love as the Christmas star-topping.

I always hated exercising discipline. I have to admit, as a young parent, my response was more often frustration or anger than reflective love. Although, most time, if I thought I had reacted harshly, I would go to my child and try to moderate my initial reaction. I think (or hope) I got better over time. But it never was easy.

I think I was always afraid my child would not like me much if I disciplined them, even with as much fairness as possible. Perhaps many parents deal with the same thought. Sometimes, worried about our children “liking” us or not leads us to act more like their friends than a parent. We do not stick with important discipline because the child responds with anger, or uses the most powerful weapon in their arsenal: “I hate you!”

All these things sometimes make it difficult to think about God’s discipline. If we had unusually harsh parents, we are afraid of thinking what God’s discipline might consist of. If our parents were overly lenient, we may find ourselves trying to pray away difficulties which are actually God’s method for changing us into His image.

Whatever our personal family experience, God wants us to understand that His discipline is always motivated by perfect Fatherly love, and it always has a purpose that is for our benefit. It is important to pay attention to the situations we are in, and ask what discipline God might be using. If finances are thin, for example, we must not try to escape the discomfort of less money than we would like by charging and overspending. If we learn the discipline of living within what God is providing at the moment, we will, later in life, be in a much better position financially.

The principle applies to nearly all the challenges we face. Learning to look to Father God for His hand behind our hardships, we may learn valuable lessons that help us face life. Discipline is less about punishment for disobedience than it is training for life. A coach disciplines his players to prepare them for the game. Although, he may also exact fines if they miss curfew.

Learn to see everything as coming through the loving hands of Father God. This may take extra work if our own fathers were demanding, distant, or harsh. But, the more we learn of God’s never-ending love for us, the better we can handle life’s difficulties. He may actually be strengthening us for the future. Or, more often, He uses the trials of life to work the character of Christ within our lives. And, as this verse so strongly reminds us, the discipline we receive is a reminder that we are actually God’s children.

God’s love is so much like the father’s hands lifting his child higher to reach beyond her own ability. Those same hands may measure the discipline we need, leading us (and never letting us go) through difficult times for the same purpose; to strengthen his child to also reach beyond her own ability.