Why I Keep Following (When it Hurts so Bad)

“God’s kingdom isn’t just a lot of words. It is power.” 1 Corinthians 4:20

The question hangs at the end of so many sentences. Those less connected to faith in Christ might be more likely to verbalize it, but it is not far from the thoughts of many who have been at least “church folk” for many years. I know the question well, because it is the one I have wrestled with the last few years: “If Jesus does not, or cannot, relieve this constant suffering of headache pain you endure, why do you keep following Him?”

Verses like the one quoted above only add to the seeming weight of the question. The addendum would be something like: “And, we know He can heal. The kingdom of God is about power, brother. So, why, indeed, do you keep following Him when He does not relieve you of this pain?” For me, this underside of the question is even more difficult.

You see, I can live with the pain. I can exist. I can wake in the morning, lie on the couch till noon, read a bit until it hurts too much, watch TV, do my daily routine of aerobics, sit back down in my daddy-lounger, watch TV some more, and go to sleep around 11 pm. What is nearly impossible is being a Pastor with the pain. Or, I should say, being a “good” or “effective” pastor.

Before my constant headache pain, diagnosed as New Daily Persistent Headache (NDPH), I easily put in 50 or 60 hours a week in pastoral duties. Between studying, visitation, counseling, planning and community participation, I could log the hours quite well. Now I am lucky to get started by 9 am, some days not until noon. I never work past 5, more often finally giving out about 4 or so. My “visitation” is cut way back. It is extremely difficult to keep a conversation going while battling the headache in the background.

When I pastored my first church, my average was about four visitations in an afternoon. Now I am lucky if I make two, some days zero. So, the question about following Jesus while I remain unhealed is not just a question of physical pain. I can function. What I don’t do well is being a full time pastor. Yet, that is what I am paid to do. There may very well come a day when I have to speak to my board (or they to me) about my inability to meet the requirements of my position.

Worst of all, I know the church would grow if I had the abilities to do more. There are ways I could start programs and studies that would deepen people’s faith. I could certainly make at least twice as many visitations, which always translates into better attendance eventually. And, let’s face it; though we may say growth isn’t the most important indication of a church’s health, it is certainly the thing easiest to compute. The numbers are right there, and it is easy to see that a particular group has grown, stayed the same, or lost attendance.

If the church I pastor was miraculously growing despite my limited abilities, I wouldn’t feel so concerned. But we are more or less treading water, I suppose. Not bad, but certainly now what I would consider successful.

So, back to my question, “Why do you still follow Jesus when He hasn’t healed you; especially since that ties directly to your job and ability to provide for your family.” See how much more complicated it gets? I can rationalize pain and love Him without reservation. I can make my theology work, seeing the ability to “share His sufferings” to be a gift.

But, the inability to serve His church well, which He has called me to pastor, that messes the question up. Because, given my state, I still cannot see myself turning from Him. There have been hundreds of times I’ve considered turning away from what alleges to be His church; but from Him..never.

 God’s kingdom is about power, I have no doubt. But the power is deeper, richer, fuller of meaning than a church growth expert’s charts, or a healing evangelist’s claims that every person, given enough of and the right kind of faith will be healed. I wish those church growth dudes would highlight the churches that tried their methods and didn’t grow, just as a comfort to the handful out here that may be doing it by the book, but aren’t seeing numbers rise. I wish the doggone healers would go to the invalids I see every week, and pray them out of their sick beds, so I could give more time to training young believers.

Why do I follow Jesus when, at this point in my life, I have more questions than answers? It may sound like a cliché. I am not the only one who has ever said this, but I have let Him down far more times than I would like to admit. But never, ever has Jesus let me down. I have grown to the end of my faith at times, but I have never outgrown it. I have come to the last bit of patience, but never had to completely empty my supply.

The power of the kingdom is what keeps me following Him. I am weakened beyond any point I’ve experience in life. I am disappointed. I am even fearful for the future. But, what keeps me following Him is, well, Jesus Himself. He is magnetically good. I do not follow because I have been seduced; I follow because there is no one better. When you have encountered Goodness itself, where do you turn?

Which exit would fare better than the road that chose me over 40 years ago? The kingdom of God is about power of a kind we never encounter in this world. It is the power that keeps quiet widows joyfully telling how good Jesus is. The kingdom’s power is what reconciles men and women who, in human terms, would have been written off a long time ago. The kingdom’s power takes hearts like granite and, over a lifetime of walking with the Savior, turns them into something so beautiful they out-sparkle diamonds, and yet so pliable, they leave no marks of harm in human interactions.

My pain is unrelenting. Last night I felt like I could actually take no more. Today I even wonder how soon will come the day I will have to leave ministry behind. I hope, with everything in me, that Jesus will enable me to continue pastoring for a long, long time. But, I trust Him. If, because of the intractable pain, He chooses something else for me, I will follow. He knows the tears I have shed already at the thought. And, He knows the tears I have shed, trying to live up to my calling, in spite of the pain.

Why do I follow Jesus? He is Goodness itself, there is none better.