Some Introspection

“God is gracious—it is he who makes things right, our most compassionate God. God takes the side of the helpless; when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.” Psalm 116:5, 6

I can never be reminded too often of God’s gracious love. I am uncertain whether I have a particular difficulty in remembering His love, or whether we all lose the confidence of His compassion as quickly as I do.

Another thing I am uncertain about is my personal anxiety level. It is hard to describe. A couple of weeks ago I purposely took two afternoons off and also excused myself from a couple of other routine habits for a few days. I was having a rough time with my headaches plus I felt I was right on the edge of a breaking point. I was crying nearly every day. Although I struggle with depression, my “normal” state is probably close to crying one day out of three. At any rate, I decided to unburden myself from as many stressors as possible for a few days.

I discovered that, even when I had rid myself of obligations, my anxiety level stayed pretty much the same. It is like a car that is idling in the parking lot, but the engine is racing and the RPMs up at cruising speed. Though I physically was resting, and even mentally was more at ease, I still felt this constant psychological “hum” underneath everything else. It wasn’t like my mind racing, because there were few thoughts to speak of; just an engine running when it should either be shut off completely, or at least idling.

Here is the part I am unsure about; I cannot recollect if I have always had the anxiety battle. I know it has been there at high stress points in my life, or when faced with something that includes a bit of fear. What I am not sure about is this “background hum” of anxiety.

I can recall depression all the way back to pre-adolescence, and perhaps a fair amount of social anxiety. We called the latter “shyness” back then. I think this “high rpm” level is actually something more recent. Not recent as in, within a few months or a couple of years, but probably within the last 10 years.

I did notice that at the end of my four days of purposeful rest, that background buzz had actually died off a great deal. God is gracious, and He does make things right. I only wish that I could get that belief so deeply ingrained within me that it wouldn’t take four days to start feeling normal.

Ok, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Even as I’m writing this I forgot to factor in my physical pain level. Where is the balance? How do I know when to take it easy and when to push through? If I did exactly what I wanted each day…it would be about an hour in the office and the rest of the day doing nothing.

Is that me being lazy? Is that the result of three and a half years of moderate pain wearing me down? I am tired as well as in pain, and the stupid background buzz hardly lets me rest at all.

“God takes the side of the helpless…” I don’t consider myself helpless overall, but I am definitely helpless insofar as this pain issue is concerned. I know that apart from people’s prayers, God’s grace, and the understanding of a loving family and congregation, I would probably not be able to “work” at all. I am grateful, so grateful that I can continue, even though I would also rather stay home nearly every day.

“…when I was at the end of my rope, He saved me.”There is no doubt about that at all! Oh, I wish “HE saved me” meant that the pain was entirely gone, the “background buzz” would back off, and I could have the energy of my youth again. I would settle for the energy of a pain-free 56 year-old!

So, whether my inner anxieties began as a child, or more recently due to a number of deeply trying crises, God is still gracious, still making things right, still as compassionate as ever. I’m pretty sure He wipes my tears, whether from pain, frustration or the anxieties of someone who can’t stop trying to please everyone. I am pretty sure that, since I qualify in some sense as “helpless”, that He is taking my side.