Embarrassed

“So love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength.” Deuteronomy 6:5

This verse does nothing less than embarrasses me. Simply meditated, there is no reason to hold back true, whole hearted love from the One who has given me life itself, let alone all the other blessings alongside living. The first three verses of Deuteronomy Six set it up for us exactly that way.

Moses reminds Israel that God is giving them the land across the Jordan River. He tells them that they will receive long life as they worship the Lord and obey Him. Paying attention to Him will yield the great promises of a land rich with milk and honey. They will become successful and powerful as they obey Him. It would be easy, then, to list the many ways in which Israel refused to worship, obey and love this great God.

But that is far too easy. Anyone with a Concordance and a little time could list verse after verse highlighting Israel’s failures. The truth is, I don’t need to do that because it is my own dismal apathy that embarrasses me! God has provided far more than a land to live in as He did to Israel. He promises the extravagance of what the Bible calls “eternal life” if only I will simply put my trust in His Son, Jesus Christ.

Any time of any day I would answer “yes” to the question, “Are you trusting Jesus for your eternal life?” I would answer it that way because, on one level, that trust is a done deal. Like a signed contract, once I declared my trust in Him for the life of my soul, we were set for life. But, at the same time, moment my moment, I may feel that my life lacks semblance to a divine nature at all.

I am grumpy, I am cowardly, I mistrust whether tomorrow will have its needs provided. I get jealous when others receive more attention than myself, I think God gave me a raw deal to have me pastor small rural churches when I believe my talents could be used in a far larger forum. I criticize peoples’ points of view, stiffen at the notion that someone would disagree with my own.

And Christians at large, oh my, I don’t think we have obeyed this command well at all; this “first” command, this “most important” saying of God’s. In our attempts to get all of our doctrinal ducks in a row, we leave homosexuals believing they are hated by God, or at least, second rate. We scratch our heads over what to do with divorced people to the point they often feel they should just be quiet and deal with decisions they made. We angrily deplore abortion drowning out the few that want to provide adoption to those who cannot keep their babies. And, claiming to be solidly pro-life, we often vote support capital punishment candidates without a second thought.

I am not writing this to suggest I know the answer to these questions. I certainly have my opinions, and I believe they are based on Scripture. But, guess what, many Christians disagree with me on these areas, and also believe they have studied God’s word well. We are better known for our arguments than we are for being people who, no matter what, seem to be happily, incredibly in love with an invisible, God who deserves far more affection than we can begin to offer.

Of course, we could spend days talking about the history of “the church”. Christianity, in some very valid ways, has been a far cry from a group of people we could describe as “in love with God.” We have made so many rules over the centuries that we probably could drive everyone out of heaven based upon some infraction or the other. We have fought wars in that name of this God who says He wants to bless, in the name of Christ who came to give “abundant life.”

But, I write nothing new. I am not terribly embarrassed over the history of Christendom or the state of the Church today. I’m embarrassed with my own self. I am telling the truth when I say that I do not know of a single time in my life in which I am aware of loving the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and strength. I have wanted to. And there have been times I have fooled myself into thinking I was actually loving Him fully the way He asks. But actually loving Him with my complete self? No sir, it hasn’t happened.

I celebrated my 57^th birthday a week ago, I now suffer with a headache that has not gone away from three and a half years. A diagnosis called New Daily Persistent Headache is exactly that, it was new when it started, and it is all day ever day, and will not go away no matter what medications, practices, or other healing arts are applied to it. I have experienced a modicum of success both in the church world and in business. But I have also had drastic failures that cause me much shame.

I love the place I live now; the beautiful green paradise of Southwestern Washington. But I find myself still very lonely and melancholy. You see, those two words could describe my whole life from adolescence on. I have been on a life-long pursuit of that “thing” which will complete me. Success feels like “it”, but it is transitory at best.

So, now that I’m am close to 60, I have little to lose by telling the truth. God has known it all along, and it would have been ok with Him if I had admitted it far sooner. But I have never loved Him the way Deuteronomy 6:5 says, and it embarrasses me. Today I even got to the point, at least as far as my pain is concerned, that I said, “I am tired of being ‘courageous’. I am done!”

I have no idea what that means. And I don’t feel embarrassed about saying it. But I am embarrassed that I cannot complete the sentence with, “But I still love my Lord so deeply.” Today I am angry at Him. Today I feel like He is like the girl I watched all the way through High School who, one day, finally actually looked at me. No doubt for this young heart, she’s the one! Instead, after sending my hopes up higher than a kite, she refused my invitation to prom. (Note for those who know me personally….this is merely hypothetical, not historical).

Today I feel like He smiled at me once, looked at me like He loved me, but now has turned me down for the prom. Every ounce of doctrine I know tells me He loves me deeply, and that my love for Him is sent “through” Christ, making it perfect as far as God is concerned. Those truths are still as real as ever.

But today I am angry at Him. I don’t think I’m angry he hasn’t healed me, I don’t expect that, although I am also trusting Him to do it. I think I’m angry that I can’t handle it. I think I’m angry that, if I had loved Him more, I would have the ability to go through this.

People tell me how “brave” I am. Oh dear friends. I am not brave; I simply have no other options.

And, Father God, I trust my honesty won’t hurt anyone’s faith, but will help it. Sometimes life is downright messy! And today I wish I had a maid to come in and make it all look like an abundant life dude who has everything nicely neat and in order.