Cross-Examination

“Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about.” Psalm 139:23 (The Message)

There may be a script out there where a defendant in a crime drama can’t wait to get into the witness chair. And, there may even be a scene where he is begging to be cross-examined after his own attorney’s questions. Perhaps there are two kinds who would beg to be cross examined. Someone who is absolutely certain of his innocence and unafraid of courtroom shenanigans might say, “Come on, let the Prosecution do their best.”

The second sort of person would make for much more interesting writing. He is the one who, though absolutely guilty, is also a sociopath, thinking he can outsmart everyone in the courtroom. This is the same personality that would likely want to defend himself and not hire a lawyer. And, they usually end up prosecuted with the stiffest sentence allowed.

Does David think he is innocent before God? Is he so self-confident of his personal righteousness that He invites God to dig as deeply into his life as a prosecuting attorney would? Does he really think it will be painless on the witness stand with God asking all the questions? Is there not even the tiniest speck of selfishness that God would root out within moments of such scrutiny?

The answer is not hard to come by. The Old Testament Scriptures do not whitewash David’s life or character in the least. He commits adultery with Bathsheba, lies to avoid being found out, and finally sends her husband to war in the front lines. Worried that she is pregnant, David hopes her husband will be killed in the fighting and there will be no questions about the father of the child. And, later in his life, apparently against strict orders by God, David has a census done of everyone who is fighting age. Innocent? I don’t think David is inviting God’s examination with the idea that God will find everything spic and span.

It might be fun to play around with the sociopath idea. But Scripture doesn’t portray David as such (although he does a very good “insane” act when he hides among the Philistines). No, David has his wits about him, cares deeply about other people and how his own actions affect them. He acknowledges his own failings and is genuinely grieved over them. All of these are the clear opposite of sociopathic behavior.

So, why does David invite God’s cross-examination? If he knows there is plenty within that God can pluck out in just a few moments; thoughts and actions that reflect more self-interest than concern for God’s best, then why invite such embarrassment? Why not go about his business quietly, walk the Self-Improvement aisles of the Jerusalem Barnes and Noble, get a cappuccino, and read a bit about making himself a better person? I mean, he could surely be less grumpy and more patient, for instance, just by trying a few easy steps from a best-selling author.

God and David go way back. From David’s point of view, trying any sort of “self-improvement” without his Lord’s involvement would be unthinkable. Not in the sense of socially unacceptable, but simply that it would not come into his thinking at all. For David, everything is directly tied to God. All life is nothing apart from God’s involvement. Nations never rise or fall, people never succeed or fail, without God’s participation in one way or another.

So, it is because David knows he is not innocent that he calls on God to inspect him. He longs for God’s searchlight to shine deeper and deeper into the caverns of his heart. He will have no tiny grotto and no ledge hide anything from the God whom he trusts with all his heart.

But, still, I am sure, if we were to pray, “God cross-examine me, test me, get to know what ‘me’ is really”, our heart rate would increase, we might sweat a bit, and we would hope there was less waste and garbage than the last time. David is not afraid; he has met God already at the very worst moment of his life and found that, although he had consequences to pay, God’s love was never withdrawn.

I want transformation. I hope that each of us, as we get older, actually long for it more and more. I am honestly quite sick and tired of my worst habits. I want to stop being short with my wife and thinking that is okay because, well, she understands the pressure I’m under. I want to stop being afraid of meeting new people because I never know if they are going to treat me like some have in the past. I want to quietly listen to people with whom I disagree without feeling the need to interject my opinions or my standards. I want transformation.

I want to greet morning with joy because God is my first thought. I want to cry at other’s pain more often than I cry over my own. I want to love without reserve, without using love as a way to get someone to like me. I want to have a heart so large that I need more people to fill it with. I want to live more days without fear of peoples’ opinions. I want to love many more days with a sweet longing for God’s opinion. But most of all, I want to live as if the most important thing I know, the one thing that motivates me from the deepest place within, the cause of every joy, every thankful moment and all of my hope, is the pure, sweet knowledge that I am loved by Jesus, no questions asked.

I want to live, knowing that to ask Him to “know me”, to “test me”, and to “get a clear” picture about me are never, ever reasons to be afraid. They are always invitations that bring the One who has never rejected me, closer to this soul that feels rejected far too often.