Remedy for Shame

Remedy for Shame

(“So let us boldly approach God’s throne of grace. Then we will receive mercy. We will find grace to help us when we need it.” Hebrews 4:16)

Shall we bow in grateful devotion;
shall we never take it all for granted?
Stubbing our toes or shooting our foes,
we used to feel like we had to beg for
exoneration. We would make it all up,
we would make it good if only we could.

It used to be debatable and I would cry like
I had caused the next apocalypse. I would hide
for fear
I had caused the end of the world. My missteps
still sting, they are mottled needles filled with
regrets and dull anticipation. I walk miles treading
the ground everyone else has covered.

But now, at the end of the day or the beginning of
rain, I can find a balm that calms the breezes that
used to freeze my soul. My resolutions are seldom
solid, my promises sincere but weak as decaying wood.
I have discovered…no, it has landed upon me like a
remedy I never dreamed. There is a hand that, firm
as fire,
reconnects me to the might of mercy and grace’s
brightness that subdues the dark of the night.

The remedy for shame, the medicine for shivering regret,
we find a throne occupied by fiery love. We do not
shrink back for the flame bids us come closer and
learn that the burning that once consumed us whole
is now a glow larger than a super nova. We are infused
with grace, a blaze that ignites us to discover we have
been family all along.

My Body Hates Me

 

My Body Hates Me

(“Then Esau took his wives, his sons, his daughters…and he moved to a land some distance from his brother Jacob.” Genesis 36:6)

Tell me what it is you want me to choose; what is the payoff,
I am so confused.
It feels like a cartoon convention that might have
turned into a disaster if not for the intervention of bodies in the sun
making short work of a huge backyard chore left undone.
By the end of the day the brush pile had been chipped and sent
over the hill.

I should be grateful; more than I guessed helped with the
monumental task.
Instead I hated my life even more. My body
refuses to do what it should. The pain wraps my face
as I try to set a reasonable pace. The rented machinery
roars in my ears and I do not want to appear useless
as I take more breaks than anyone.

My body is no longer my friend. My body hates me.
Weekends once spent on the tennis court are
now spent in pain on the couch.

I feel guilty, I feel ashamed while this
ungodly pain
keeps me from seeing anything through.
I cannot work outdoors four hours with my friends,
and a single song takes me months to record.

Before the end of the day, I simply quit.
I went inside, drank cold water and tried to sleep.
I hate my body, useless on the couch. Who knows,
maybe I fake all this pain to get out of the hard stuff.
The depression creeps in like a fog thick as pudding.

And then the work is done. I face everyone. They know
I quit. Their eyes are on me, they care for me, but I feel
I must
plead guilty
for not holding up my end. I live as an invalid,
and I am not an invalid.

People are kind, some half my age,
spent half a day tackling a monstrous chore. My brain
knows more than my body will admit. I was blessed today,
but my tears rain on well into the evening; my ego took a hit. Yes,
I suppose that explains it.

So, help me make up my mind; is there a warm front to
dry my idiot tears? I am blessed, I am cursed; the worst
and the best
are ever at my doorstep. The pain has made my body
the enemy. But the friends, the family are
my remedy.