Standing Alone in the Rain

Standing Alone in the Rain

(“No one has ever seen God. The only Son, who is truly God and is closest to the Father, has shown us what God is like.” John 1:18)

I’ve seen you staring back at me,
I’ve heard you whispering with my own voice.
I’ve deduced all there is left to deduce of
who you actually are.
But nothing changes with me,
nothing shines more brightly.
For an hour I laugh and come home
and cry
and forget what I was laughing about.
I never was much good at praying anyway.

Everything feels just slightly out of reach,
everything is cloudy while my friends enjoy the sun.
I’d change my colors, but they are all greyscale,
they are all dots on a screen waiting to be seen.

My guitar sits untouched.
I thought I would be writing music by now.
My words are pedantic,
my happiness a chest of moldy memories,
faint joy for a second of hesitation. Today,
if I must speak honestly,
reminds me why I cannot trust myself,
why I always rush myself to imbibe a spirit
that will get me through the night.

But it is the day that burdens me. The sun,
even when it is bright, is heavy, is gravity,
is elusive. My heart lies inside with the shades pulled tight.
Can anyone imagine what it’s like to have
nearly
everything you want and be squeezed into a box
full of unfulfilled promises?

Before they turn the lights out, I should tell you
I don’t mind standing alone in the rain.