The Friends without Words

“They feel but the pain of their own bodies and mourn only for themselves.” Job 14:22

We all are stymied when it comes to the right words and expressions to aid a friend who is enduring chronic pain or a life tragedy. What words are there when a man discovers his brother, barely a year older than he, was just found dead and had no indications that his body was giving out. What do you say to the family who lost their jobs, moved to a new city, and within two weeks lost 75 percent of their belongings in a house fire? What do you tell the father young son in his mid-20s just fell at his wife’s feet, succumbing to heart failure?

These are all real-life situations; not merely possible scenarios I have concocted. We are stuck for words so often that sometimes we utter the most thoughtless words imaginable. We may try to help by correcting their thoughts and emotions. “This happened for a reason.” Or, “Don’t be sad, God is in control.”

I don’t think the family rebuilding from a house fire is ready for a theological lesson in God’s sovereignty. We may leave the person feeling that sadness is a sign of sin and tears a lack of faith. “Get on with your life”, we push them, “and sing some worship music.” Oh, better yet, Read the book of Job.

Other times we start with the famous words, “I know how you feel…” I had a teacher in one church I pastored that responded that way to every difficulty someone would relate. “I need prayer, I just lost my job.” Him: “I know exactly what you’re going through.” “My kids aren’t serving God and it concerns me.” Him: “Been there, big guy.” I wanted to bait the trap one time and have a woman say, “My PMS is driving me crazy,” and just hope, out of habit, he would respond, “Yep, I know how you feel.”

Job says “they feel but the pain of their own bodies.” In other words, it is impossible for one person to ever feel the exact pain of another. Situations and personalities are all different. We might briefly say, “I lost my Mom when she was young, it is tough, isn’t it?” But only as a way to help them feel comfortable to open up. Be careful of the person who tries to receive sympathy at a time when they should be giving it.

Sometimes spiritual cheerleaders get in the hurting person’s face and with a smile broad as cloudless horizon say, “Woohoo, now watch. God’s about to do something really big! Come on, praise the Lord with me! Say it with me, ‘Hallelujah’. Again: ‘Hallelujah’. Yeah, one more time, louder: ‘Hallelujah!” This person hates the idea of having to feel any pain, yours, someone else’s or even their own. They insulate themselves against pain by living in a bubble of romantic comedy movies and fantasy novels. Their favorite preachers are the ones who promise God is like the Grand Sweepstakes. They don’t have time to cry with those in pain because they are waiting for the doorbell to ring and the man with a thousand balloons to deliver their winnings. When that happens, they will soothe your pain by tithing a portion to your favorite charity.

All these, if they are Christians, probably have their favorite Scripture verses to back up their behavior. But Scripture is never meant to be chopped up and served piece-meal. The Book of Job, for example, is a story of deep pain suffered by a righteous man. After his belongings, cattle, sheep and children have been taken away he is struck with a horribly painful disease. His friends sit with him for a few days, listening and saying nothing. But, after the silence is too much, they open their mouths and double Job’s hurt.

I have endured personal grief and now have experienced chronic pain for over five years. Two things I have learned. #1. I long for friends. It means everything when a friend asks, “How are you today?” Or when someone stops by, saying, “I know you probably don’t want me to stay too long, but, hey, I found your favorite chocolates at the store.” Simply be a friend; don’t be a preacher, a philosopher, a teacher, or a guide. Be a friend!

The second thing I have learned is (#2) I have little idea why I am going through this pain. I have no idea physically because physicians are baffled by what is known as “New Daily Persistent Headache”. I also have little idea spiritually. Yes, I identify with other chronic-pain sufferers better than before. And, I have had to reorder my life, doing only the high-priority things because the pain saps my strength like crazy.

From my experience then, I encourage people to be a friend to the sufferer. Be extremely careful about intruding into their day. Call, ask, do not stay long, unless they ask you to. Don’t offer answers. As a matter of fact, the best question ever is, “What can I do to help?” In my case, I would usually say, “Nothing right now.” But, you might come on a day when, and be someone close enough to me that I would respond, “Well, there is ice cream in the freezer”.

And, secondly, don’t offer healing methods someone else has used. The sufferer or patient is living their case 24/7. You can be sure that they are well-informed about most possible aids. A simple “My Aunt Suzy had headaches and “sumo-cream-anti-ache jelly” worked for her,” is enough. Don’t push it, don’t ask later if the person tried it. For heaven’s sake, simply be there. Depending on the person, touch may mean everything; a hand on the shoulder, or taking their hand briefly as you talk. But quietly leave room for the sufferer to talk.

We are not used to silence. But let the silence settle like a holy interlude between two friends. It is then that perhaps the sufferer my find the freedom to share and love the opportunity to do so. With their permission, pray with them, and always, continue to pray for them.