Cenotes & Dreams

Cenotes & Dreams

(“The sun will no longer be your light during the day, nor will the brightness of the moon give you light, but the Lord will be your everlasting light. Your God will be your glory.” Isaiah 60:19)

There are darkened dreams in the depths
of us like
cenotes in the Yucatan.
We dive until our oxygen runs out,
our eyes unmasked see forms and shadows,
and we awake to misinterpret them.
We saunter halfway through our day
trying to remember at noontime
the swirling plot from midnight. We make
sense
of so little during the day.

Sometimes we compose our own understanding,
we narrate the dialogue, but never write it down.
We practice it well into the afternoon until it
morphs into something
that sounds like the first song we heard
on the radio, the first song of the summer,
and interpret it until evening.

We pass it around like pieces of pie,
we insist we have salvaged the story from the
bottom of our muddy dream.
It becomes our banner. It is wrapped around
every breath like Christmas bows until
it defines us like labels on
tin cans full of vegetables.

And when we hear only silence,
(may the reader beware)
we pretend we have heard announcements
from the sky.

We take to our blankets, close our eyes,
ache for rest,
while meaning slips through our fingers.
Perhaps the snow will cover everything
we thought we knew. Perhaps tomorrow
will be a day
without shadows. Perhaps we will see
the unseeable then.

Stop Now. Sounds.

 

Stop Now. Sounds.

(“Or do you have so little regard for his rich kindness, his restraint, and his patience, that you ignore the fact that the purpose of God’s kindness is to lead you to repentance?” Romans 2:4)

Stop now.
Sound out the top of the silent suns
wrapping the grand, warming the sand
while the tides ebb unconsciously.

I can hear myself growing older,
years like wind, like sails, like friends
who streak across the night sky. Shooting
star
how I wonder who you are.

I would rather borrow your eyes than
rewrite our conversations. I would rather
drive by the coast as the cliffs twist by.
I would rather squint in the light than to
strain to see you appear in the dark night hallways.
I would rather let the questions go unanswered.

Stop now.
Sound surround us. I’m up for a night of repentance.
Nothing is wasted in this universe,
everything is borrowed. It was all here first.
But your story, your spiral, your skying face and
your carousel feet carry my mind to better places.

We can light the candles, break the bread,
sweep the sidewalks, plan ahead,
fasten the nails so the pictures don’t fall
on the floor.
We can feed the poor. We can read some more
until
our shells are broken, until every unspoken story
is written across the sky.

Until we all

Stop now.
While the sounds of undancing whistle like morning,
like handfuls of birdsong with lyrics hidden within
the center of everything.

How it Sounds

How it Sounds

(“I, I am the one who comforts you. Why should you fear humans who will die, mortals who are treated like grass?” Isaiah 51:12)

I know it often sounds as if my life is in the shadow,
the night has blanketed my hope for the light,
and I know you would rather hear flights of faith
than the grainy verse I write.

How can I be true and not publish the truth?
How can I believe and not admit my doubt?
How can I heal unless I admit my pain?
I will not know one thing within and show another without.

From a thousand miles away you cannot taste
the tears that have dried upon my face.
From twenty-five years away you cannot feel
the spears that have left their jagged traces
of scars and fragments of flint still stuck deep
within my heart.

Do you want my words to trumpet mountains
when there are none within sight?
Do you want my poems to scatter friendships
like seeds in a garden with a sleight-of-hand
that produces fake letters I’ve written myself?

I don’t blame you. If I heard me, but did not know me,
I would sound like Job’s comforters too. I’ve quoted the verses,
pointed their faces to the sun and blue sky, only to, bemused,
wonder why they never told me the truth again.

If you cannot bear my breakdowns, you cannot help me heal.
If you are scared of my meltdowns, you need to turn around now;
or seal our friendship with silence and presence,
not lectures and menace.

I know you’ve done better than me. I know you can quote faith
higher than me. I know your certainty alone guides you;
but I cannot bear to lie to myself, no matter how that makes
me look when it comes time to pray.

And truth, if you were oppressed, I would never expect you
to get over it. And truth, trauma posts its sadness whether we
invite it or not. Syndromes don’t come asking for permission.

So, I write what I write, and it will burn some day before
or after
my body is gone. They are only digits on a screen,
graphite from a number two yellow pencil

And will last no longer than this season’s dandelions
on the lawn.

The Air Sounds Like

The Air Sounds Like

(“When the Lord saw her, he felt sorry for her and said, ‘Don’t cry.’” Luke 7:13)

We scratch our heads so often; we question the days and argue with clouds.
We debate the death the looms above the final step for every journey.
We come home from this vacation, we return from that trip to fish,
we pull into the driveway half wondering how we’ll get in the front door;

But one day we will not return. A journey where the footprints simple stop.
No one computed the demanded time, and so our fathers and grandfathers still
have lemonade far into the afternoon, while
a mother and daughter have been parted since the second full moon the first child knew.

“It’s alright, it’s ok,” we say. We know the end of the trail
appears somewhere between one inhale of forest and the last exhale
of goodbye. If there is a half circle gathered around our final moment,
there is waiting, watching. Every vision is a solid stare, fast and focused
upon the nose and mouth and silence (undemanded) fills what might be lost.
One unintended, brings his fingers to the back of his head and scratches just
as everyone concludes the end has come. Mouth and lungs, eyes and fingers
are in suspended animation. The first, second, third, then three at once, then
uncounted
the tears spread around the room without blush or hesitation.

Only few notice the eyes that see unseen. In the silence, the solace is quieter still.
The hand, perhaps, that escorted the waiting one across the final precipice,
was the one who waited now, to dry eyes and find the middle of every room
where grief has swallowed a family, a church, a town or nation. He is
the exact center measured from every tear dropped from eye to earth.

He is the exact reason the last exhale happens beyond our hearing;
He is the exact substance, image, feeling of each one in the room and
the One who made each one in the room: He is the exact. Whether

He touches the bodies of the dead, or the brooding of the living, He touches them
with life,
with feeling,
with breath that leaves the air sound like the first day of birthing over again.