Only the Breath

Only the Breath

(“This is what the Lord God says to these bones: I will cause breath to enter you, and you will live.” Ezekiel 37:5)

Nightmares grab me by the throat,
turning ghosts from the past into
terrors and muggings and threats,
waking with the sweats and pushing away
the hands around neck that once said
they were only trying to do the Lord’s bidding.

But only the breath of God-- haruach Elohim--can turn these
dusty bones to life. Where were you, people of the spirit,
when my breath was fading so fast? Where were you,
oh people of faith,
when the wind swept me to the desert alone?

There are no demons or idols or tiny gods with big hands;
but they did their best for you.
There is no haunting in this house; but only a mind
scarred by failure and padlocks that keep the
prosecutors penned in within it.

You asked me questions; I answered confidentially.
You asked me questions in front of the penitentiary.
You revealed my sources, cut out my entrails,
and laid them on the table for the holy gathering to divine.
I would not make music for over a year.

But only the grace of God—hesed Elohim­­—can upgrade
images to stars. Where were you, people of mercy and love,
when my body was wasting so swift. Where were you,
with my faith in decline,
when my body felt only the loneliness of dry and desert bones?

Still the Spirit speaks, no matter the voice of man,
Still Ruach utters, no matter human game plans,
Still the heart is whole, though divided time over time,
Still faith can live again, despite the remains of the day.

Every midnight I wake screaming, throwing pillows across the room,
will be another day of dealing (my pain is post-traumatic) with the tomb
that I thought was sealed
and yet enwombed
my embryo unharmed
until born (do we know its meaning) again
bone upon bone,
flesh upon flesh,
with only breath,
in Spirit known.

Only Once

Only Once

(“While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and his heart was stirred with love and pity. He ran to him, hugged him tight, and kissed him.” Luke 15:20b)

I have only once been kissed by a man,
a big black man,
10 years my junior,
6 inches higher.

I have only once been kissed by a man,
save my father as I bobbled saggily in diapers,
but I was kissed by a man in
the last church my dad ever attended.

I had skipped several meetings, the table talk,
the bread dipped in wine. The last time had been
weeks beyond my memory. But he saw me
as my feet fell into a carpet covered Sunday.

He is boisterous; he thinks everyone is wonderful.
He is full noon at the beginning of the day.
His wife, not quite prim, but proper, shines
more silently.

I have only once been kissed by a man,
black-suited, like a heart-seeking missile he
saw me enter and
wrapped his huge arms around my receptive shoulders
and kissed me on the cheek so quickly
I had no time to think and no place to run.
I was stunned in the most gracious way.

Sometimes our hearts are towed from squared
basements and foundations
toward a horizon where the sea mist caresses us
like the first time I ever
was kissed by a man.

To Those Who Only Pray

To Those Who Only Pray

(“I’ll put my Law within them and will write it on their hearts. I’ll be their God and they will be my people.” Jeremiah 31:33b)

Why follow around the latest train of thought
when deep in your own heart, within your finest mind,
the love that transcends every judgement is dwelling,
just waiting for you to use it.

We sing refrains, pray down the rain,
lay hands on the sick and practice singing
(except if we sit next to the last one to give us offense.)

Why keep praying for the one whose pain
has not abated in over a decade? If your prayer for healing
has not been answered,
could it be there is a different dance you are being asked to learn?

Please pray, but when the pain does not subside,
why continue to hide in your prayer closet while the
sufferer resides with his pain? One remarks, “I thought
God answered prayer.” And he replies, “I thought so too.”

What does the heart of God say when the disability threatens
to destroy the livelihood of one you’ve prayed for this long?
Have you visited him to hear his story?
Do you wither when you hear he is angry?
Who needed more faith? And so, with no promise,
he waves goodbye while the prayers keep humming.

Did you know you have within you
the love that can destroy mountains?
Did you know, planted in the heart of you,
there are treasures to give to the one who has gone

From anger, to depression, to
fully numb. Where has the love gone, and where
does it come from? Would you open your gifts
and sing to him on his blazing days? Would you open
your gifts and break bread with him on his darkening days?
Would you fend off judgement and fear, and simply listen to hear
the silence of the days when he is stunned into wordlessness?
Would you buy him a one way ticket home?

Hear the hurt without your doctor’s degree. Receive the story
without the gavel in your hand. Love his sorrow without the jokes
or aphorisms, the words that meant so little when your heart was
broken too. See his silence as the evidence that
he feels no one has listened to a word he said. Take his head
at face value.

Naturally, we want miracles. Miraculously, God gives us nature and
love that steps into the deepest pain; the pain our prayers have not broken,
and stays, simply stays

The way Jesus stayed on the cross of suffering,
and stays with us still when pain is unexplained by any
verse of scripture, any sharpened sermon, or platitudes the
faithful have memorized forever.

You, dearest friend, have the very presence of God written in your heart.
Go, see, cry, awake and be
the answer to the prayers that for a decade
you have sought.