Audition (I'm Fine)

 

Audition (I’m Fine)

We walk side by side on wilderness trails,

talking temperature and humidity and the soon coming winter.

And then children and neighbors (lunches and dinners)

we skim the shallows of conventional conversation.

But the sun and shadows invite us to a slower pace,

where the deeper waters flow. I was once bitten by a shepherd,

you were mauled by a pit bull, we were mere children, and sometimes

dogs frighten us; maybe cats and rabbits and moose and tigers too.

You ask me a question I fear to answer. We stop between crests and

listen to the stream gurgle below. My throat is full of apprehension, but

I answer and fear I shall have to walk home alone. 

But like grace, like heaven, you wrapped my honest answer like a gift,

silver and gleaming in the late afternoon.

I still audition for your friendship nearly every day,

and when things go wrong all you say is

“I’m fine” every time 

I know you’re crying.

I wear my heart in a broken locket,

one hinge forgotten in the earth, the other rusted and

hanging open. It is impossible to close.

You face fire, you walk into explosions, the place where

peace should play is full of anger, and fierce. You cringe, hope to hide,

and close the door to the daggers always aimed directly at your heart.

.

Your sorrow is beautiful as your smile,

your pain is lovely if you let it out into the day.

And even though I cannot see it

I feel it dull and aching inside of me.

“I’m fine” will not erase what

the unkindness has done to your heart.

I know it and carry it, within and without.

I saw stars within you, the moon shining over the dark memories.

There was never a day when it did not rise as evening approached.

But then you closed. You became stone. I knocked, so softly at first,

And could not find the safety I knew within. I knocked just a bit louder

(I did not want to damage even this new granite skin)

And, from deep within all I heard; “I’m fine.”

I know you are not fine. You are beautiful, perfect, gracious and strong;

But you are not fine. Tell me your truth. Don’t make me audition for

your friendship today. Tell me your truth. I promise I'll wrap it as carefully

as you wrapped mine

and hand it back to you with unicorn bows and rainbow wrapping. 

We walk side by side on wilderness trails, this friend I hoped would not fear

the way hearts can interlace like butterflies across a meadow.

We walk slowly, my heart always unclasped in my broken locket,

always colored with the boredom, the emptiness, the uselessness, and sometimes

the love it has received over time. We walk slowly,

your heart sometimes visible beneath your breast, but other times shut behind

doors and locks and granite walls, recessed behind an impervious wall.

The days always end like glowing sunsets when, slowly, you unlock the secrets

and the secret place, and trust me with cries you’ve kept inside. I sigh because

in those moments, I know I’ve won the audition for your friendship.