"Singing Through the Pain"

“I will sing of the loving kindness of Yahweh forever.  With my mouth, I will make known your faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 89:1

Less than an hour ago I visited a good friend who has battle alcohol in a lifelong struggle. I’ve been with him when he could barely talk because he was so intoxicated, responded to his wife’s desperate phone calls, visited him in treatment as he began to experience hope, and enjoyed seeing him blossom when he came home. Unfortunately, he stumbled again shortly after being discharged.


But, it was a brief stumble. As of today, if I remember correctly, he is now more than a year sober. He began coming to church quite steadily and then suddenly stopped attending. When I went by to visit he simply told me, “I’ll come again when I’m ready.” That was at least six months ago, maybe nine.

This last Sunday he walked in just after we began worship. When the chance for greeting each other was given, I hurried to the back, hugged him and said, “I am so glad you are here, Jake!” (name changed) He smiled, and we went on with the service.

So, today I went to visit him. I did not know whether he was drinking again, and I hoped that wasn’t the reason he came to church. I suppose it is the greatest reason, actually. We should be the kind of place that feels comfortable for all sorts of stumblers; including us religious folk whose primary trap is judging all the others who do stumble. Anyway, no, Jake was not drinking again. He just decided it was time to come to church again.

I told him how delighted I was to see him. “It was a great surprise,” I said. He looked at me with a hint of a grin, “Well, I think I’ll surprise you this Sunday too.” “Of course, since I know that, I won’t be surprised this time,” I quipped. He and his wife are the gentle sort of folk who have faced the worst life can throw at them, and speak softly and with short sentences as a result. Having little in material possession, his wife he told me their greatest news. “I’m going to be a grandpa again,” he said. His daughter-in-law is only 5 weeks along.

There have been days this week when I began to seriously contemplate retiring due to my chronic pain. I have no idea how we would support ourselves, but some days I barely can function. I even thought, to lighten my load, I would stop writing; both my poetry and devotions. At least I wouldn’t feel the pressure to devote precious time to them.

Last week a dear lady wrote back after reading one of my email devotions. Her husband of 49 years died less than six months ago. Here is what she wrote: “It must be difficult for you to keep ministering with bouts of depression and almost constant pain but you touch so many lives and I appreciate you.”

I even called my sister in Dallas to ask, if things become so bad that I cannot work, if we could live with her and her husband. She was delighted to say, “Of course”. It felt good to have a safety net, but I do not want to quit working. It is a source of personal struggle for me. I serve a church who hired a full-time pastor, and they now have one who probably works closer to part-time. Yet, I could not ask for a more encouraging group of people. I could not imagine going through this with a church full of in-fighting or controversy.

Just after I visited my friend I went to the High School where I serve as Drama Advisor. It is time to choose which One Act we want to produce for the spring. I have done this for six years now, and last year told myself I just couldn’t do it anymore. I love the students. Some of them have become good friends. Though only three showed up to choose the script, one was a girl who has been in every production since I started, and another is a sophomore who has been in our church since we moved here. She has made huge progress in her faith, and it shows.

I know that Jesus told Paul his strength was made perfect in weakness, and there is no doubt that is what I am experiencing. I have little energy to visit, cannot go out to each following Morning Worship because the ministry takes everything out of me, my head on fire by the time we are done. I do not know what the future holds. I wish I could have no obligations at all, so I could structure every day around my pain.

It is four and a half years of constant headache pain now. I fell to sleep in tears last night, once I finally did fall asleep. I cry out to God for healing, I ask Him to please keep my children strong in the faith, because sometimes mine seems to wane. I plead for wisdom.

But, after thinking about my friend who surprised me at church, the widow who encouraged me about writing, and the students whose progress is a source of joy, no matter what the future holds, I can say, “I will sing of the lovingkindness of Yahweh forever!”