All in my Head

All in my Head

(“…if by some chance they soften their hard hearts and make amends for their sins…” Leviticus 26:41b [The Message])

I meant to lose time, grow wings, fly high,
paint the sky of which the eagles sing
without the least pressure to rhyme their verses.

I meant to smile big, stand straight, hug true,
erase the blues and pain we blamed on fate
and finally trim the wick the exact quarter inch
which I was taught (more than once) would prevent
the candle’s tell-tale smoke.

I turn at every straightaway, look back and wonder what
is taking so long. The wings have not sprouted, the words are
pedantic, the help I promised is grim, and pain an excuse
that keeps me locked inside my own prison.

I miss every possible turn, the choices that might burn away
the rust and mould clinging to the slow-foot creep I call
my journey.

I can admit every misstep, I have, I will; I am willful
as all; why, when I desire wings, then, does the dust
not fly like a rooster tail when I leg the runway,
slight headwind and a clearday,
the tower giving me the ok,
but I never leave the ground; my old feet are leaden,
my heart saddened, and my tears over sins come unbidden
once I think forgiveness has healed me from the fall.

I will not forget Love, I promise. It rings like yesterday’s bells.
I will not cancel Faith, I refuse. It hides like the oyster’s pearls.

I must tell you the truth, the hope I keep dreaming,
the silence that still awakens me, has shaken me
so sleep is no solace, and day a harsh sentence.

It is all in my head, I know. That is what I dread.
Still, if I could grow wings…once more…
I would fly this time even though
I knew not what the flying was for.